Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Breaking the silence...

I was 16 and life was miserable. I hated my life. I was so unhappy that I constantly thought about ending my life. I spent my time alone in my room most of the time thinking about how I didn't want to go on. Then one night the phone rang. I answered it, I didn't recognize the voice but it was for my Grandma. A few minutes later I heard my Grandma screaming from her bedroom, her brother had died. The next morning as I got ready for school my Grandpa told me that my uncle had committed suicide. I was shocked.

Instantly any and all thoughts I had about taking my own life went away. For over 2 years I didn't think about. I felt grateful for the fact that his death showed me that I truly wanted to live.

Then one night things changed. I lost all hope. I gave up. I no longer wanted to keep going. I went out to our garage and searched through my Grandpa's tools trying to figure out what to use to end my life. I thought he might have a razor blade in with his tools so I kept looking. As I was looking my Grandma came out to the garage and asked what I was doing. I said nothing and went back inside.

About a month later I started counseling and my life turned around.

I'll never forget the night I almost ended my life. If my Grandma hadn't come out there, I probably would have. Even though both at 16 and 18 I was depressed enough to be contemplating suicide I was in denial about my depression.

I still struggled constantly with depression. Some days are better then others. I love writing and sharing my experiences. Even though I struggle at times, I love the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints so much. It is one thing that has kept be going through all the rough times.

No comments: