Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Thoughts at 2 AM

Why is it that (almost) every time I try to go to sleep my mind decides it's a great time to think of all these different thoughts and ideas?

I've been going back in my blog post and fixing some typos. In going back through them I have been reading my post from the last time I was seeing James. I couldn't help but think, I'm doing better than I think I am!

Another thing I've noticed lately is that my blogging and posting on here goes in waves. Sometime I am constantly writing or designing new word art things and I LOVE it. Other times I feel too busy and don't write or design anything for months. I've also found when I am in counseling I am always posting on here. It seems to be the inbetween times that I slack off.

I'm going to finally say it out loud, I have such a huge fear of people judging me or looking down on me that I keep certain things secrtivice. One of those things is my spirituality and another is this blog!

A few weeks ago Hayley and her husband and kids came to visit. Her husband and I were talking about dealing with the death of a parent. He was more of the rebellious type. Anyways, he then says, "Hayley says you went in the opposite direction as me in dealing with that."  I didn't even know what to say. I'm pretty sure I just sat there staring at him. Why can't I admit out loud my love for the gospel? That it was the one thing that pulled me through for so many years? I have no problem writing it, but writing is so easy for me.

I'm not going to lie, I love this blog I have. I love writing and sharing and re-reading post from the past that I forgot that happened. Yet, I feel so self-conscious about it! Other then Brad I don't think any friends or family know this blog exists! When Hayley was over I was telling her how I no longer enjoyed my business full-time and I was taking a step back. I was excited that I've found my true passion in life (this blog), yet I couldn't come out and say it. Instead when she asked what that was, I said, "Oh just writing and doing graphic design." Out of anyone she knows 99% of the things I have written so it's not like I don't want her to know these things. I can't even explain WHY I feel so self conscious/ secretive about this blog and my spirituality, I just am! I think that's another reason why I don't use my name or other people's real names, because I'm so secretive about this! I even feel self conscious about people I know reading my family blog!

Another thing I have noticed in the past few weeks is how much I LOVE this blog. It makes me happy. Maybe it's the writing. Maybe it's the designing word art and quotes. Whatever it is, it has made me so happy lately. I feel like my depression is significantly better because of it.

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