10-30-14

I don't know why but the past few nights I've been having dreams about dealing with my depression.
Over a year ago I wasn't doing anything about my depression. I had been living with it off and on for about 15 years. I WANTED to talk to a doctor about it, possibly get on a prescription or whatever I needed. However, I did nothing. I have had a bad history with doctors. I can tell them exactly what is wrong, but I have always felt they don't really listen to me. Once I told my OBGYN about my depression. He handed me a prescription and sent me on my way. I desperately wanted to do something, but I didn't know where to turn. Instead of trying to do something or find someone, I did nothing. Then one day sitting in sacrament meeting something amazing happened. Our ward's High Councilmen was speaking on service. He mentioned he was a doctor and treated patience with depression. I knew right away he was who I needed to talk to.

The sticky note with his name and number sat on my desk for months. Finally I threw it away. It's not that I didn't want to make an appointment. I didn't want to talk to a stranger about how I was suffering from depression.

A few months later I was reaching rock bottom. I still wasn't ready to call the doctor though. I hit my knees and pleaded with Heavenly Father to take the depression away. So often we want a magic cure. Something to instantly go away or be fixed. Well, it didn't go away. Things did start seeming better little by little. I had the strength to keep going and was more open to trying different ways to deal with the depression. Instead of taking the depression away, Heavenly Father helped me keep going. He helped me see that I did need help and lead me in the right direction.

Eventually I felt ready to deal with the depression with a doctor. I was expecting the same thing to happen that happened when I told my previous doctor about the depression, give me a prescription and send me on my way... Boy was I wrong. He explained the differences in the anti-depressant medication, why which ones work better with certain situations. He talked about other things that might be causing it. He also wrote down his game plan for dealing with depression.
1. Work out 60 minutes everyday
2. Go to counseling
3. take medication

For once I felt like a doctor was actually listening to me and what I felt like I needed and not what they wanted to do to me.

The other night everything piled up at once.... I took my kids to a friend's movie night and Brad went to help his friend work on a car. I had a craft day at the church the next morning and still had a lot to do so we left early. Brad was supposed to get the wood I needed on his way home. After I got home I turned on a movie for the kids while I finished what I needed to do. Brax fell asleep on the couch and not long after Em told me he had pooped in his underwear. At that same time she realized she forgot her favorite blanket at the movie night and was in full melt down mode. Oh and I realized that Home Depot was closing in 5 minutes knowing Brad wasn't going to make it there in time. Having 3 situations where I had no idea what to do was a wee bit overwhelming. Should I wake Brax up and drive over to where the movie was to look for the blanket, how do I take dirty undies off a sleeping kid and how am I going to have the wood I need ready by 10 am? I went to my room and cried. I told Heavenly Father that I just couldn't do it. I took a deep breath and went back out to the living room with my kids. I texted my friend who was having the movie night and she had Em's blanket. Em was not happy, but once I knew where it was I told her we would get it the next day. I woke up my very sleep and delirious son and changed his underwear, which wasn't as dirty as I expected. Brad called and said he would wake up early and go get the wood and make sure it was ready on time.

I'm sure for some these things might not seem like a big deal. I get stressed easily. It was one of those times as a parent I just thought, "I can't do this. It's just too hard. I need a little help here!" Sometimes all I need is the strength to keep going.