Healing Hope

I went to go to bed and of course my mind started going and here I am. I feel like a mess lately. I FINALLY quit my business. I've been talking about it for a good year now and have been phasing back for a while. Recently I decided I was 100% done and I have actually followed through with it this time. It has been freeing not feeling tied down to customers or pleasing people. At the same time I feel like I have lost my reason to get up in the morning. My kids are so independent, they could care less I slept all day long. Lately I've found myself getting up later and later every day.

7 months ago it was no big deal for me to be up and ready by 9. Now I feel like it's a miracle to be up by 11:30. I think the only thing getting me up and ready by then is lunch at the park. After lunch I usually run my errands, come home and spend the rest of the day watching TV. That is my life. It's hard for me to get out and do anything, let alone get up at a decent time. I feel like taking my kids swimming (we have passes, so I don't know why we don't use them more) is this huge triumph. I'm not sure when along the way it happened, but I stopped going to workout group. My excuse lately is, it is too early (9 am) and I can't seem to get myself out of bed in time! I have also not rode my bike regularly in 10 months. Last summer that is all I ever wanted to do. I love the feeling I got from it. I haven't gone once this year because I don't feel like it. Yet, another sign of depression- lost of interests!

Have you ever been able to feel yourself going down the slippery slope back into the depths of depression? That me lately. I can't figure out why. Nothing has changed other then me quitting my job. I thought I would love it. I am loving it, but at the same time I am feeling like I have nothing to do anymore.

I mentioned my sleep problems (how all I want to do is sleep and can sleep for like 12 hours without flinching) to my doctor, he told me some people need more sleep then others. So, no big deal. Yet, it feels like a big deal to me. Sleeping a lot is my biggest symptom of depression. I can actually feel the difference lately.

Ugg... The more I think about it and the more I write I realize how bad it is. Where did this come from? I feel like it has completely crept up on me. I've been taking my meds and yet here I am AGAIN. I feel so torn about returning to counseling. I logically know I need it, but at the same time I feel like a failure!