I was on Prozac and for once in my life, I felt SO happy. It felt amazing. Naturally, I had a horrible side effect on it. So bad, that I had to quit taking it. My doctor suggested 2 other medications to try. I gave my body a week or two to try to recuperate before jumping back in on medications. On Prozac I could feel a difference on Day 1. I’m on day 13 and I have yet to feel anything other than side effects (dry mouth and loss of appetite). I’ve been feeling discouraged. WHY couldn’t Prozac just work? Why can’t I JUST be HAPPY? Why must I still suffer? I have to add this part because it is SO ironic with this weeks group. At one point while I was still on Prozac and the “side effect” (I’ll leave it at that, because it was pretty gross) was killing me. I told my husband, “Can I please just go back in time 2000 year?” I longed to go back in time, a time when Christ was alive, where he could heal me.
When I went to group just days after saying this, something amazing/ crazy/ ironic/ weird, I have no clue how to describe it, happened. I don't think I've explained exactly how "group" went. Bishop R wrote up the material in the manual. There are 14 subjects it covers. Each week we would go over one of those, in order. We would go around the room and each person, if they wanted to, would read a few paragraphs. There were 2 times throughout the reading that we would stop and talk before continuing. So I went to group that night not knowing what subject was going to be. I could have looked in my book, but I didn't. It was on Divine Healing. As we were reading along in the manual it said, "You may have wished at times to have lived in Christ's day so that His healing hands could have been placed upon you in a personal blessing to heal your mind, body and spirit, knowing with a certainty that He would be able to heal you. You may have secretly longed to been able to personally feel His loving embrace, and hear His words of comfort in your hours of darkness."
So then my Ah Ha moment... When I first started going to group I jumped right in. I would write a blog post about it, I would think about the things I experienced throughout the week, there is a “Study and Understanding” section that I would actually do. Little by little I was feeling better. Then I went on Prozac and felt SO amazing that I got really cocky! I went to group, I stopped blogging, I stopped writing about my experiences, I stopped doing the “Study and Understanding” section, I just felt SO amazing I didn’t think I needed it. But then, that little pill made me so sick I had to stop taking it. I kept wondering WHY. During group it hit, because essentially when I went on it, I gave up on everything else! This is when I am supposed to be doing! This and working on the “Study and Understanding” section.
Another thing that crossed my mind the other day, well, let me backtrack a wee bit. Back when I was a teenager, before CD players were invented (yep, I’m THAT old!) I had this cassette tape player. At night as I tried to go to sleep I would listen to this Jeff Goodrich tape. Every night I would fall asleep listening to it, it was so soothing and relaxing. Now on this new medication I was once again struggled to fall asleep. I loved Prozac because I slept so well on it. Anyways, the other day I finally decided to make a playlist on my phone to listen to at bedtime. I’ve done it for a few nights now and I am really loving it! It is so calming!
Songs on my playlist:
Beautiful Heartbreak- Hillary Weeks
Just Let Me Cry- Hilary Weeks
He Will Carry You- Hillary Weeks
Emma Smith- Never had an Ordinary Day
Sometimes He Lets It Rain- Katherine Nelson
I Heard Him Come- Jeff Goodrich
O, Lord, My Redeemer- Jeff Goodrich
Also a bunch that I’ve already posted about (here)