Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Probably TMI, but oh well-

I haven't blogged in a long time, like a really, really, really long time!

My husband is working night right now but going back to days on Sunday (YAY). I experience what I call, the curse of the graves. From the time Emma was like 14 months old my husband worked graves for 4 years. He had a crazy schedule that was 2 days on, 2 days off. Anyways, the kids were only bad, throw up, get poop everywhere, have an accident, be sick, get hurt, refuse to sleep (you get my point) on nights that he worked! Needless to say, I've been struggling.

In the midst of him working nights, we've been in this 6+ month process of buying a house! CRAZY! I'm sure you won't want my LONG story, but we are waiting on a loan, the house we wanted listing expired, sellers decided to just rent it, so we are renting it while waiting on our loan... It has been a NIGHTMARE. I told Brad that if we won't get the house I won't be upset about the house (although I do love it) but upset that we have to move AND house hunt again! Fingers crossed it all goes through. We found out today that we should be getting the loan in 3 to 4 weeks. We thought we were 5 or more weeks out, so we'll see.

*I swear I've posted about this issue before, but I can not find any posts, so I'll just post the whole thing!
Other news of today, the whole reason why I decided to blog at 3 am... 13 YEARS ago I sat in a doctor's office and told him how having sex with my husband hurt. His response, "But it isn't actually hurting (harming) your body, so you are fine." I told doctor #2, and #3 the same thing. I recall doctor #4 laughing as I physically freaked out over the anxiety I was having because I knew his exam was going to hurt! Yes, he laughed and said, "Your butt is levitating off the table!"

It wasn't until I was seeing James for the second time that the topic came up and he stressed how it wasn't normal and I should look into what was wrong. At the time, and many years following, we didn't have health insurance. So, I did some research online and concluded that I must have Vaginismus. I found ways to help with it and it has helped. Yet, I still had never talked to a doctor about this problem!

Recently Brad told me I really should talk to my doctor about this. Have I mentioned that I LOVE my OB-Gyn? I begged doc #4 for a hysterectomy and he refused. My first appointment with doctor #5 (my current one) he looks at my chart and my medical history and says Okay! Today I walk into his office, explain that having intercourse with my husband hurts and always has. The first thing out of his mouth, "Tell me about your sexual experiences. Were you sexually abused?" Me, "Yes, I was as a teenager." Doc, "You have what is called Vaginismus." My husband said I got the biggest smile and sigh of relief when he said that! 13 years, it took 13 years and 5 doctors to finally diagnose it! I also appreciated that he physically checked to see if there could be something else causing pain and pinpointed exactly where the pain was. He was so helpful. We even discussed if I needed additional counseling since the Vaginismus stems from the sexual abuse. Honestly, I'm 100% fine, with the exception of the Vaginismus. I told him, mentally I'm fine, I just need to figure out how to make my body understand it's okay. He talked about how I need to re-train my brain. Seriously, it was such a great doctors appointment.

Sunday, November 13, 2016


My 3rd spotlight on topics from, Abuse (See link here)

Abuse is the treatment of others or self in a way that causes injury or offense. It harms the mind and the spirit and often injures the body as well. It can cause confusion, doubt, mistrust, and fear. It is a violation of the laws of society and is in total opposition to the teachings of the Savior. The Lord condemns abusive behavior in any form—physical, sexual, verbal, or emotional. Abusive behavior may lead to Church discipline.

Additional Information

Those who have been abusive in any relationship are urged to repent of their sin, to plead with the Lord for forgiveness, and to ask for forgiveness from those who have been harmed. Those who have been abusive should also speak with their bishop or branch president so he can help them through the repentance process and, if necessary, help them receive additional counseling or other assistance. Part of the repentance process may also include accepting whatever penalties are imposed by law.

Victims of abuse should seek help immediately, normally from their bishop or branch president. His first responsibility is to help those who have been abused and to protect those who may be vulnerable to future abuse.

Victims of abuse should be assured that they are not to blame for the harmful behavior of others. They do not need to feel guilt. If they have been a victim of rape or other sexual abuse, whether they have been abused by an acquaintance, a stranger, or even a family member, victims of sexual abuse are not guilty of sexual sin.

Victims of abuse can seek help from their priesthood leader to guide them through the process of emotional healing. Through the blessings of the gospel, victims of abuse can stop the cycle of abuse and be freed from the suffering they have experienced.

Saturday, November 12, 2016

Learning to Lose

There is a lot of buzz going around lately about political stuff. Today as my husband and I talked about it there was one thing I felt most important to share- accepting loss!

I remember crying at my 8th Birthday party because I lost at musical chairs! It was down to just me and 1 other kid and I didn't win. I cried and cried about it, but it didn't change the fact that I lost. I soon got over it and moved on with my life. In fact, I haven't thought much of it until just now.

I'm not going to lie, I was down right MAD when Romney lost both times, but you know what I did? I accepted it and moved on with my life! It was not the end of the world. I wasn't happy with Obama winning both times, but that is life. You don't always win. You don't always get your way. There isn't much you can do about it, except realizing that and moving on with your life.

Several years ago I went to a Stake Relief Society meeting. One of the speakers was a local therapist. She talked about how there has been a rise in college drop outs. All these students grew up being told they were the "best". They were the best athlete, the best at math, the best at this and that. Then they go to college where they are with thousands of other "bests" and they aren't #1 anyone. They don't know how to handle that essential rejection. Going from always being the best to being average is devastating to them. They don't know how to accept loss.

There is a different in accepting a loss and fighting for what is right. In the case of the recent presidential election, I believe that the results are fair. That is how the system has worked for how many years now. Some years Democrats win and other years Republicans win. If whatever party lost always fought against it there would be pure chaos! On the other hand- My husband is a huge hockey fan and has got me hooked as well. Recently we were listening to a game being played by our favorite team. One of the rules of hockey is you can't interfere with the goalie to keep him from blocking the goal. As we listened to the game the opposing team scored. Immediately following the goal the announcers said that the goalie was furious and said there was goaltender interference.  The announcers discussed how these professional goalies accept it when a goal is shot against them, it's a part of the game, but when there is a wrong doing they fight against it. They reviewed the goal and did revoke it due to goaltender interference. You should see what these goalies do when they lose a game... they simply shake their heads, move on with their lives and try harder the next game. They don't scream. They don't fight it. They don't demand a recount. They accept the loss and strive to do better.

Learning to lose is a part of life. Your presidential candidate isn't always going to win. Your favorite sports team isn't always going to win. In fact, ours is kind of sucking right now! They actually won a game tonight, but  the kicker is that the winning goal was made by the opposing team! Poor guy flicked the puck behind him and it went into the net causing his team to lose! Anyways, accept loss. Accept that you won't ALWAYS win, you won't always be right. Life won't always be fair. When I was a kid I thought that when you grow up life magically becomes fair, it doesn't!

Friday, November 4, 2016


Hope is such a tricky thing...

The other day I got my hopes up that we would be placed with a baby. I even got to hold this little baby boy. He had the best baby smell. I love the baby smell. I knew the chances of adopting him were slim but I still let myself hope.

Needless to say, I drove away empty handed. I didn't expect to be heartbroken. It wasn't necessarily heartbroken we didn't get this baby, but aching for a baby in general. It made me realize just how much I want another baby in our family. The tough part is I don't know if it will ever happen. I just have to remind myself that whatever it's meant to happen will happen. If we are meant to add baby #3 then it will happen when it's supposed to. Until then I just have to be patient and trust in Heavenly Father.