Recent events have made me think a lot about forgiveness. I've dealt with stuff from my Grandpa, and Ted and also Jack. The reactions I have gotten from people in regards to what Grandpa, Ted and Jack all have done had included: "Forgive and forget!" "You're just too sensitive, what he says wouldn't both other people!" "Yeah I know, so?"
No one told me how horrible it was or how I should NEVER talk to the person again. No one told me to move or drop all contact. Nope, it all seemed like no big deal. When it came to my family, I was the bad guy!
Last summer we found out we would be adopted Em. A few months later her birth mom, Jen, told me she was pregnant. By this point Jen and I had a fairly open adoption. We talked almost daily and such. 10 days after Jen found out she was pregnant she decided she wanted to place the baby for adoption and wanted us to adopt it.
I'll skip all the in between ups and downs. Over 7 months after she told us she was pregnant (with a boy) we found out she was NOT pregnant. She claims she had a miscarriage 4 months into the pregnancy... Like I said, it's a long story! She has explained to me why she did what she did, not to justify it, just to explain why. She had logical fears behind her lies. In the 3 letters I have gotten from her since finding out she has told me over and over again how sorry she is, she didn't mean to hurt us and she hopes through time we can come to forgive her.
I have gotten a LOT of comments on my blog and Facebook about the situation. To be honest I'm tired of these "I honestly wouldn't let her back in yours or YOUR daughter's life. I'd actually make contact minimal. and move to a new place that she doesn't know of. that woman must be crazy and I honestly wouldn't even be kind enough to let her back into my life again." I've been expected to remain in contact with my Grandpa, but a few lies and I shouldn't ever talk to Jen again? and FYI from the ages of 7 to 19 "I promise" from my parents meant crap. Every promise was broken, I couldn't trust them at all. In fact, I still don't trust my Grandpa and it was years before I could trust my Grandma!
Now where were these comments when I came out about my Grandpa or Jack? How come people just expected me to simply forgive Jack, but Jen, oh no, she should never get my forgiveness!?!? I just don't get it! Jack did horribly awful things to me. My Grandpa nearly destroyed me completely. Jen, yes she hurt us with her lies, but it is nothing compared to my Grandpa or Jack! I also keep thinking, if I could forgive my Grandpa and Jack, why can't I forgive Jen? Now, that doesn't mean I will completely trust her again. It does not mean that she will have free reign over the adoption. There is still a lot to work out. There will be a lot of boundaries, but that's what keeps things healthy and safe. Also, at least Jen admits she messed up, has asked for forgiveness, and says she is going to straighten out her life. Unlike other people who are in denial they ever did a single things wrong! No one but Jen has asked for my forgiveness. I found it in my heart to forgive my Grandpa and Jack for worse things!
Have you heard the old saying, "Love the sinner, hate the sin". That sums up in 6 words how I feel about Jen. I LOVE her. I do not love her actions, but I love who she truly is!