Saturday, May 14, 2016

This is me...

For the past few years I haven't hid the fact that I suffer from depression. There are so many things I've learned over the years.

  • Depression is more than just being sad. It is something you can't even describe into words.
  • It is not something you can just change.
  • It is not something that you can simply change your thoughts and change the way you feel.
  • I can't control it. I can't change it.
  • I can fight it. I can embrace it as part of who I am. I can do everything in my power to make sure it don't control my life.
  • I have had my good days and bad days. I'm allowed to have my bad days and not feel guilty about them.
  • I hate, HATE with a burning passion, working out, yet I do it because it helps my depression so much! At times I enjoy it, but for the most part I have to force myself to work out because I know how much it helps!
  • There are days I miss my workout group because I can't bring myself to get up and ready on time and that's okay.
  • I'm grateful for the days I do get myself out of bed and there, even if I am late.
  • I've learned to be grateful that I made, aka- forced, myself to go workout even if it is just once a week instead of three times like I should. I figure it's better then never going at all.
  • I've learned my strengths and weaknesses, what I can do and what I can't.
  • I've finally gotten good at saying no to people when I know I just can't do something and not feel guilty for saying no either.
  • I have also learned to say Yes to things I normally wouldn't to push myself and try new things.
  • I have gotten to the point that I don't feel guilty for the things I can't do and the things the depression effects.
  • Some days I feel like a lazy mom because I don't get out of bed until 10, then I remind myself that it is better than the days before I had kids and I got up at 3 pm.
  • It's okay if my house isn't the cleanest and I don't always make dinner from scratch, or even at home for that matter, I am doing my best.
  • Even though caffeine and sugar is bad for depression I let myself enjoy a Coke and chocolate because I love them and it makes me happy!
  • I enjoy baking and cooking, yet I struggle getting up enough energy to do these things on a regular bases.
  • Different things work for different people. I've tried 4, or 5 different medications before finding the perfect one/ dose. It works for me. It works really, really well. Yet, one of my friends medications didn't work for. Instead she found oils that worked for her. That is great. I tried the oils and they didn't work for me. I feel like whatever you find, that is healthy and not harmful, that works do it!
  • I had different experiences with all the different medications I tried. One made my whole body itchy. So itchy that it was all I could think about. I couldn't even sleep at night. That one obviously wasn't going to work. I was on one for a while that worked great, yet when I got stressed my emotions went spiraling into this deep, dark suicidal depression. I was always able to pull myself out of it within an hour or so, but it was still bad and needed to change!
  • I have essentially quit my job because I didn't enjoy it. The depression is hard enough, add to that a job you don't enjoy and life is miserable. I focus on what I do enjoy! I love writing, blogging, crafting, looking on Pinterest and couponing. When the weather is nice I love hiking, being outdoors and most of all riding my bike.
  • I am grateful to have found a great doctor. The first one I went to years ago, when I told him I was struggling with depression he didn't ask a single question, just gave me a prescription. When I went back a month later I was an emotionless zombie. The medication clearly wasn't working so he just upped the dosage and that was the end of it. After that I refused to go back to any doctor because it didn't help. I finally decided to try someone else and it has been so good for me. I needed someone who actually listened and was dedicated to find the right medication for me. I can't even describe what's it been like the past few years to have a doctor who asks about my symptoms, asks about my thoughts and suggests things other than the same ol' medication. It took almost 2 years, but I finally feel like I am on the right one for me now!
  • I have found that if I forget my medication one day I actually feel happier that day... Then the next morning it feels nearly impossible to get out of bed. My emotions got down hill from there. So even if I feel better the day of, I know within 24 hours things are going to be getting bad.
  • On that note, I am off to work out because I missed workout group this morning because I missed my meds yesterday and I couldn't get myself out of bed and ready by 9!.

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