Friday, February 28, 2014

Post Group Day 1

I’m feeling tired and moody. I don’t feel like working today, but owning your own business you kind of need to suck it up and get stuff done. Feeling moody and irritated I know just comes with the territory of dealing with emotions. Every though yesterday I left fine, dealing with depression (like dealing with abuse) sometimes (okay, usually) you need worse before you feel better. Dealing with things stirs up those emotions.

So if you are wondering, “If you have been feeling fine, why are you going to a support group for depression?” Because even my “fine” is probably a normal person’s depressed!

Going on Prozac last fall really opened my eyes to what Normal was. My normal is still not normal-normal! On Prozac I felt amazing. On a scale of happiness from 1 to 10 me on Prozac is a 10. My normal is probably a 6, maybe on a good day 7. I haven’t been a 1 (suicidal) since I was 2003. I haven’t been a 2 (wanting to cut or cutting) since 2008. I take those as accomplishments. My lowest low since 2008 has been a 3.

What causes and symptoms do I have?
(more info here)

· Abuse
· Death or a loss
· Genetics. A family history of depression
· Other personal problems (infertility added a lot of depression and it still can be hard at times, even though I’ve adopted 2 kids)

(more info here)

· you can’t sleep or you sleep too much

Oh sleep, my worst enemy! I have a difficult time falling asleep at night. Being asleep by 12 is amazing. I average around 1 am, sometimes 2 or later. I can function on very little sleep, which is what saves me. When it comes to waking up, I do not roll out of bed until I HAVE to. I don’t shower in the morning because that would mean getting up before I have to. I’m sure some are thinking, well duh you go to sleep at 2 am of course you don’t want to wake up in the morning. Even if I only get 3 hours of sleep the night before, I STILL struggle to fall asleep at night! It’s ridiculous!

· You can’t concentrate

Now this one, I don’t know if it’s depression or I have ADD. My mind is just go, go, go all the time and does not concentrate on one thing very well.

· You can’t control your negative thoughts

I have pretty constant thoughts/ feelings of “no one likes me”, “I can’t do anything good enough or enough of it”, “I am a horrible parent” I type as I just finish yelling at my kids (they eat food that wasn’t theirs, pulled stuff out of the trash can and poured water all over the floor, no didn’t spill purposely poured it all over!) Even though I feel I have dealt with my Grandpa's verbal abuse, at times I still feel like his voice is inside my head telling me I’m worthless and won’t amount to anything.

· You are must more irritable or short tempered

I would say I am irritable 99% of the time. There are many times where my husband will ask why I’m so irritable and moody, Depression is what’s wrong!

· You feel isolated

Not only do I feel isolated, I AM isolated. I have no friends and do not talk to any family member, except my mom about once a month. I had friends a few years ago that I used to hang out with all the time. They no long invite me to their parties. To make it worse I get to look at pictures on Facebook of their parties with their new friends all the time! Brad works night so I am home alone at night a lot.

One of my goals for 2014 was to lose a little weight. So I am going to continue that into my depression program. I try to "work out" for 30 minutes on Wii Fit U and sometimes I'll throw in a few activities on rayman tv party. My weight keeps going back and forth which I driving me crazy. Down 5, up 9, down 3, up 4, down 2....

Why I am excited for this group. it is continuous. I experience anxiety when I finish counseling and groups. It's a big adjustment to just be done. I love the idea that once I feel done I can wean myself out of group and if I'm having a hard/ bad time I can always go back at any time. Obviously the goal is to "graduate" and no longer need group, but I get to take it at my own pace and time!

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