Power and Control Wheel

While looking at Sanctuary For The Abused they had this Power and Control Wheel and talked about the different aspects of it. It's sad that I can relate to almost all 8 of them.



I try not the do "the blame game", but as I look at this wheel I can't help but think about all the things my controlling grandparents did.

Using Intimidation: Making her afraid by using looks, actions or gestures. Smashing things. Destroying her property. Abusing pets. Displaying weapons.

If looks could kill, I would have bee dead a LONG time ago! That was the only intimidation "he" used. I'd post the picture, but I still want to keep "his" (Dad's) identity private. I have a picture of him at my wedding where he is giving his "look". I just HAD to put it in my scrapbook. As I got married only days after SOLE ended, during one of our get-together's I brought my wedding album and showed it off. I remember us all laughing as they got to the picture of him and said, That HAS to be your Dad!?! Yep!

Using Emotional Abuse: Putting her down. Making her feel bad about herself. Calling her names. Making her think she's crazy. Humiliating her. Making her feel guilty.

Considering the main thing was emotion/ verbal abuse ALL of those were done.

Using Isolation: Controlling what she does. Who she sees and talks to. What she reads, where she goes. Limiting her outside involvement. Using jealousy to justify actions.

This one makes me think more of Mom B. If I was ever 5 minutes later from work she would call asking where I was (I looked literally up the street!) The day before starting Group #2 I went home and was having a much needed lunch with a friend from SOLE. As I told Mom B I was going to lunch with someone she asked who? I told her my friends name. She asked if she had ever met her before? Her response was then, Well, I guess you can go. (Note: at the time I was 23 years old and had not lived with them for 4 years!)

Minimizing, Denying, and Blaming: Making light of the abuse and not taking her concerns about it seriously. Saying the abuse didn't happen. Shifting the responsibility for the abusive behavior. Saying she caused it.

Wow, the more I break these down the more I realized how Mom B's was just about as controlling as Dad! Again, this is all Mom B. When I told her about Jack's abuse she blamed it on Jack's dad. When I corrected her she minimized it "Oh, what did he do? Touch you once or something?" She would say Grandpa's abuse didn't happen. Once after I had moved out Dad was verbally abusive to me while I was there, I stormed out, Mom B followed me to my car and told me that I made him do it!

Using Children: Making her feel guilty about the children. Using the children to relay messages. Using visitations to harass her. Threatening to take the children away.

Since it was dad, not husband this one's a little different. The only situation that comes to mind is "The letter" from him. It's a long story, I'm sure I'll post about it in the future, but in a letter from him he said the reason he had not joined the LDS church and had "gone down spiritually" was from raising me! Gee, thanks...

Using Male Privilege: Treating her like a servant. Making all the big decisions. Acting like "master of the castle". Being the one to determine men's and women's roles.

Again, little different being Dad not husband. But he did play the "I'm the man, you listen to me" role great!

Using Economic Abuse: Preventing her from getting or keeping a job. Making her ask for money. Giving her an allowance. Taking her money. Not letting her know about or have access to the family income.

Money was a huge thing they tried to control me with. I wasn't allowed to have a job because then I would have to be dependent on them. My senior year in high school I got one anyway! If I even bought something they would ask where I got money from.

Using Coercion and Threats: Making and/or carrying out threats to do something to her. Threatening to leave her, to commit suicide, to report her to welfare. Making her drop charges. Making her do illegal things.

Oh the threats, how I don't miss you! The one that comes screaming back to me- I was abusing him physically (obviously I was NOT) and he was going to report it to the police and have me arrested... I was 16 and 17 at the time!!!!