PTSD, or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, can affect people of different ages, whether they are children or adults, and causes a wide range of different symptoms.
For survivors of sexual abuse, molestation, rape or other traumatic events, the symptoms of PTSD can affect the way a survivor acts and reacts in different situations, which can affect the quality of day to day life.
It can be difficult for someone living with a sufferer of PTSD to understand the sufferer's reactions to events and situations, as their emotions may appear to be irrational. Perpetrators of abuse do not only make victims out of the person the abuse was against, but also for every person the survivor has a relationship with in the future. It is common for sexual abuse survivors to experience failed relationships with friends and family, and also to have intimate relationships that also end quite quickly.
To ensure a lasting partnership, it is crucial for partners to begin to understand the behaviour that can be associated with having Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
It can be very difficult for a survivor with PTSD to be sexually intimate. Sexual experiences, even with a loving partner, can lead to memories or flashbacks of the traumatic experience, and at times you, as the survivor's partner, will not appear to the survivor as yourself, but instead as the perpetrator who inflicted the painful experience. The survivor will feel as though they are experiencing the event again, and can actually feel the pain, feel the fear.
The survivor might begin crying, or become very still and quiet, shaking, or even attempt to push you away. If you notice a sudden unexpected change in behaviour that leads you to believe something is not right, it could be an indication that the survivor is no longer comfortable with the intimacy and that the PTSD is taking over. The best thing for you to do in this situation is to move away, possibly to the other side of the bed so that you are not too far away to support the survivor, and allow time for the feelings and images to pass. It is important for you to remember that the survivor is not reacting in this way to you; but is instead reacting to the event that they went through in the past. There may be some sexual acts that are too triggering or traumatic, and therefore may never be a part of your relationship. Do not try to surprise the survivor with sex, such as waking the survivor by caress, or surprising them naked, as these situations can place too much emphasis on sexual acts. Different types of sexual experiments may also be too traumatic for the survivor to participate in.
Sexual abuse survivors who suffer from PTSD will appreciate and benefit from personal space. In a social conversation it is polite to allow three feet of space between yourself and who you are talking to, but for the survivor this personal space should be slightly wider, such as five feet. Often survivors unconsciously feel the need to keep a part of their body free, in order to avoid feeling trapped. They may do this by avoiding hugs that involve the whole body, feeling safer to arch their back to prevent the pelvis from touching, turning a hip, or turning their face to the side. These tactics will help the survivor to avoid the unbearable feeling of being trapped. Many survivors will not feel safe if you attempt to join them in a shower, as the small space will make them feel vulnerable, panic stricken and defensive.
It is important not to lean the survivor into a surface such as a kitchen worktop, or to shock the survivor by coming up from behind and giving a backwards hug. Instead you could put your hand on the survivor's back to get their attention and wait for them to turn towards you, so that they feel safe in the knowledge it is you, and not a surprise attacker. Even when a survivor is bending down to reach something from a fridge, if you came up behind and tried to hug the survivor it can lead to panic as you have blocked off a possible escape route; there is a fridge in front, a door on the side, and you blocking the other direction.
PTSD reactions can be as simple as a tightening of the muscles, or a panicked, full blown scream. The survivor may try to attack verbally or physically. In this sort of situation the best thing for you to do is to step back, allow space, and give the survivor time to realise it is you, and not an attacker. While the survivor is reacting to the emotions and fears they could hit out, not caring or even realising who is in front of them, as they are too caught up in feelings of danger and needing to get the person away from them.
There may be times when it feels like every move you make is being tracked by the survivor. They might feel a need to know where you are going, who you will be with, what you will do there and what time to expect you back. It is important for you to understand that the survivor is not trying to control you, but is actually trying to control the PTSD and any situation they may find themselves in. This is because the trauma the survivor went through very likely happened when they were feeling safe, or felt there was no danger. They may have been simply walking down a street they have been down many times before, or been with a person that they trusted, and then suddenly find they have been thrown into a situation of sheer terror. Even to this day, the survivor may feel that the control lost during the event has never fully returned, and you may notice the survivor can be overly conscious of things that can go wrong, however far fetched they may seem, in perfectly ordinary situations. These can include situations such as you being car jacked, or the cinema catching on fire while watching a film. A PTSD sufferer knows from experience that bad things can happen to people, and will be fearful that something bad will happen to you, the one partner the survivor feels close to.
Phone calls can be a good way to help put the survivor's mind at rest, especially if you are going to be late (even if it is only by five minutes), or to let the survivor know you are changing your plans and not going to be where you originally said you would be. By doing this, the survivor will know exactly what is going on, and will feel a sense of control.
There are some methods you can use to help minimise fears when out in public with a sexual abuse survivor who is suffering from PTSD. Firstly, do not leave the survivor alone. If you are going somewhere alone, such as to the toilets, tell the survivor where you are going, and let the survivor decide whether they want to wait for you beside the door, or to stay where they are. Make sure you do not become side tracked and leave the survivor wondering where you are, and why you have not come back. The survivor might become anxious, which can then lead to panicking.
If you are out somewhere there may be dancing, do not encourage the survivor to dance with other people, even if those people are friends of yours. If the survivor wants to dance with another person, allow them to make their own decision, and if they say no to someone, back the survivor up in their decision.
When visiting in a home, do not leave the survivor in the room with strangers when you want another drink. Instead you could tell the survivor that you want a drink, and if the survivor feels a need to take a break from all the new people, they will be likely to offer to get the dirnk for you. If the survivor does not offer, then you should ask the survivor if they want to come with you while you get your own drink. The survivor will appreciate this because they will feel it is easier to get away from people who may want to talk to them, and who the survivor may not be comfortable with. Remember that even though you may have known the people you are both with for a long time, the survivor will feel they personally have no reason to trust them. People suffering with PTSD often feel that people are guilty until proven innocent, and everyone is a potential danger.
It is important for you to recognise the signs that your partner is uncomfortable, anxious or feeling nervous. This could include, but is not limited to, speaking quietly, hand rubbing, touching their own face, breathing faster than normally, looking around the room, or continually looking at a particular person. If you feel that the survivor is exhibiting any behaviour that is unusual for them, you could try to offer reassurance by holding hands, or putting your arm around the survivor, or if the survivor is reacting to an intimate situation, allowing some more space between you.
It is a good idea to discuss with the survivor what is okay for you to do in public, and what isn't okay. You could support the survivor by attending counselling with them, or to help diagnose the PTSD if the survivor has not yet had any treatment for it. Show your love for your partner by helping to give back the control the survivor needs in order to feel a complete person again. Please try not to get angry if it sometimes seems as though you are having to make up for the sins of others. If you are patient, and don't get angry with the survivor or the way the PTSD has affected them, your relationship will become a lot stronger. If you need to channel your anger towards something, instead direct it towards people who cause the hurt and suffering, though not directly, if you know who your partner's abuser was. Channel the anger by teaching your children how to defend themselves, how to scream loudly enough to get attention, and who to go to for help.
But most of all, remember to love your partner for having the courage to stare horror in the face and come out of it, PTSD and all. And remember that you are a secondary survivor, and may need help with your feelings about what your partner has been through as well.
http://www.survivormatters.co.nr/
No comments:
Post a Comment