Saturday, May 14, 2011

Maintaining Hope

My friends facebook stay status got me thinking... She is taking at church on Sunday about maintaining hope through trails.

I don't remember how, but I remember hope was the only thing keeping me going at times. I would think about how someday it would end, one day I would move out and never would have to go back there.

But there were days before I got to that point. Even though the last year I was home seemed like the toughest, a few years before that I was emotionally in a worst place. I don't remember much of those days. I did write one journal entry about things not being good. I mostly remember my thoughts and feeling after my uncle died. It was around the time I turned 16. I can't remember when the thoughts started, but I was suicidal. I didn't put that much thought into it. I didn't think about how or when. I just knew I was miserable and hated my life. It all changed when my uncle committed suicide. It made me realize that it was not worth it. From then on I knew someday things would be better.

My last year at home was interesting. In April I got to the end of my rope and reached out to Sister Parker. It was one of the best things I could have done.

I didn't realize it until now, but I had many opportunities to move out before I did.

#1 Shortly after telling Sister Parker, she gave me the name and number of someone who rented out rooms in her house and had an opening. I didn't put forth much effort. It didn't help I was still in high school (I was 18 and about to graduate) and I only made $200 a month by baby sitting.

#2 June: Sister Parker told someone about my situation (I don't know how much, or what she said). The person then told me I could live with them. I didn't know them very well and they were old enough to be my parents, so I decided not to.

#3 June or July: Someone else I knew really well told me I could live with them, but I could not tell anyone where I was living (mainly my parents and bishop). I didn't like the secretive part of it.

#4 September: I decided to move in with my aunt and uncle. When I told my parents they talked me out of it.

#5 A short time later my friend and I decided to move into our own apartment, planed go for February. However I hit my breaking point in December. I then moved in with my aunt and uncle for 2 months.

The day I moved out, I'll never forget how hard I cried driving to my aunt and uncles house. I kept thinking, "it's over. I never have to go back. It's finally over!" It was such a relief, but my healing still had a ways to go.

The other thing I think about with "hope in trials" is trying for a baby. There was no "someday". I didn't know if I would ever get pregnant or if we ever would adopt.

Each month, as much as you don't want to, you get a small glimmer of hope. Is this month the month? Then it all comes crashing down when you see that negative pregnancy test or your period starts.

I didn't understand this until just before we got our daughter. But instead of hope you have to rely more on Heavenly Father. He had a plan and somehow you need to figure out what it is. What are you supposed to do to bring your child into your family? Only He knows.

The abuse and trying to get pregnant were 2 very different trails. Both very hard in different ways. With each of them the hope and trusting in Heavenly Father were different experiences, but both equally important.

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