Thursday, March 6, 2014

Thoughts when I should be sleeping....

I was headed to bed, about to close up my laptop and call it a night when a link intrigued me. One of my friends posted a link to a blog post and I clicked on it. (blog post here)

I love this line, "why do we wait until we know what trial someone is going through and have deemed it difficult enough to warrant our compassion before we are willing to love and serve them?"

The first I thought of was way back when I was really struggling emotionally with infertility. I remember one time talking to my cousin in my parents back yard. She too had experienced infertility, she was the one person who understood what I was going through. I remember glancing into the house and see family members looking at us (mainly me) and rolling their eyes. You see, I was not allowed to complain about my struggle with infertility or expression any negative emotions. But my cousin was still there for me!

Shortly after that something similar happened... One of my nieces blurted out that my sister-in-law was pregnant before she told us. When I found out I pulled my husband into the laundry room and told him and cried just a little. Then I had to suck it up, put a smile on and show my, "I'm so happy for you and not ever a little bit jealous" face. Once we left I was able to release my emotions and bawled almost the whole way home, which was 2 hours away!

I wasn't allowed to show that I was hurting. If I even did show that side, I had little to no support or they would turn it around and make it about them. If they saw me crying they would say I was mad at them, which I wasn't. I was simply sad I couldn't experience that. I had to hide all my emotions.

Tonight we also had our Enrichment Birthday Dinner at the church. It was on "One Drop at a Time". Mainly about all doing our part and serving. My favorite line from the night was as our Relief Society President was talking she said, she has heard people ask, how do you know if it's the spirit or just a thought in your head? If the thought is to serve or do a good deed it doesn't matter which it is, do it anyways!

The biggest learning lesson I had along the way... We had recently moved to a new house at the time, new word and still trying to get pregnant. One day I was having a horrible bad day. I got to my breaking point and I poured my heart out to Heavenly Father that I desperately needed someone to talk to. No phone call came, no knock on the door, nothing. I simply just moved on with my day. A few days later while at church my visiting teacher came up to me and said, "You know, the other day I kept getting this feeling that I should call you! But I figured, you're fine!" Before I could tell her that yes, I really did need someone to talk to, she turned around and walked away! I vowed to NEVER do that to someone else!

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