Sunday, November 1, 2015

Wrong Roads

I saw this video several weeks ago and loved the message behind it. I had seen if before I had my surgery and a few weeks after my surgery I though it was a lot like this video.

Even though everything went well and there were no complications, I needed to know it was the right decision. I thought so much about it before deciding I was ready. I knew without a doubt I was making the right decision. My greatest fear, however, was that after my hysterectomy my doctor would tell me that my uterus was healthy. Wouldn't this be a good? Don't most people want their body and organs to be healthy? If I heard that it was healthy I feared I would spend the rest of my life wonder, What if... What if we waited just one more month or one more year and in that time I would have been able to get pregnant. I desperately wanted my doctor to tell me there was a zero percent chance I would ever would have been able to get pregnant.

I wasn't completely out of the anesthesia when I asked Brad how it went. My mind was still pretty foggy, so I don't remember much of what he said. I heard him say "fibrous". The next morning my doctor came in to talk to me about the surgery. He went on and on about how tough, fibrous and nasty it was. Hearing those words brought me the peace I needed to know that I would never wonder what if. I would never regret it. I knew without a doubt that I made the right decision.

Then as I pulled up this video to work on this post another thought came to me. Not only did I recently run into Bishop M, but the next day Hayley stopped by. I flashed back to when I started cutting. That night I didn't have thoughts of right or wrong, I was just desperately trying to cope with the pain. Afterwards I told Hayley, who had me tell Bishop M, who got me into counseling, which got me to where I am today. As I struggled for months with the cutting I also would talk to Sister Parker about it. I'll never forget the night I decided to stop cutting. I went to talk to her. She could see it in my face that I was struggling. She asked if I had cut recently. I told her yes. In her very loving and caring way she told me that if I continued with that, that I was going down the wrong path. It was then that I stopped and essentially turned my life around.  When I started cutting I started going down that wrong path, but by doing so it eventually brought me to the right one.

Some might be thinking, well if you never started cutting and never started down that wrong path, wouldn't that mean that if you never started cutting you were already on the right path. I feel as if I wasn't going down any path at that time, but was just standing there at the cross road wondering where to go. If I hadn't started cutting I wouldn't have started counseling, which changed my life. I sometimes wonder what my road would have looked like if I never cut. Would I have ever gotten to a place that would get me into counseling? If I never went to counseling, what would my life be like today? I never would have dealt with any of the abuse, or trauma or depression. I can not imagine what life would be like still carrying those things around with me. How would I even function? Would I even be alive? That simple wrong choice brought me to the right place.

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